Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I take that back.. this is the happiest
Me
you should text me sometime you never did last time
02:54Anna
i know, baby. i'm sorry. i'll text you as soon as I have a free second. I'm pretty busy with my family and sister. she's graduating this sunday so we've been pretty busy with her
She called me baby... I could cry right now!
Hardest but happiest convo of my life...
Me
Hey you, how are you doing?
02:22Anna
drunk...but other than that awesome
02:22Me
lol sweet lucky
02:23Anna
well then i'm sweet and lucky every night...
02:23Me
Hun are you okay?
02:24Anna
nope...
02:24Me
whats wrong?
02:24Anna
someday i might be...but now...nope
02:24Me
Im sorry
hugz
02:25Anna
I'm an alcoholic who doesn't know how to be alone and wishes the one girl i want to call me and tell me she loves me
but i know that will never happen so i drink every night so I can actually sleep and dream about her
02:26Me
Well if you need me... no matter what... i am always here for you... i know i used to be a shitty person... but i would like to think i have changed... and if it means anything... there is a part of me that loves you anna
02:26Anna
you're a very very silly girl then
02:26Me
why is that?
02:27Anna
take that part of you and throw it away...as far away from you as you possibly can
02:27Me
I dont think its ever going to go away... its been there for what... 6 years now!! lol i think its stuck... and im happy like that
02:28Anna
yeah well...I'm a pretty idea that only comes with pain and loathing...you'd do yourself well to just get rid of whatever I am to you...
02:29Me
I dont buy that anna... when i was with you i was happy.... monika skank whore whatever you want to call her is nothing but pain, and psycho what not... there is a difference
02:31Anna
you weren't with me long enough, then. I've been nothing but pain to anyone i've ever been with. And unfortunately one got to me before I could get to her...and I don't think I'll ever be the same again...
02:32Me
Well I really am sorry about that, and I wasn't lying when I said I am here for you if you need me... and I have no plans on going anywhere. I have been through hell and back more than most people can imagine... and the way i see it im still standing... there is nothing any one can do to ever hurt me again... i wont let it happen... im not dumb enough to let it happen yet again...
Bad things happen but you have to learn from them hun... thats what makes you stronger... pain is a part of the game
02:34Anna
Lucky you. I wish I could say the same. I would stand on my porch every day until the day I die waiting for her to show up and tell me the words she'll never say to me. And I will stand out there every day, drunk as sin...
02:36Me
Not to be creepy... but why do you think I tried so hard to talk to you for so long... I know i fucked up with you... im not dumb... and i hate me for it in a weird way... I wanted SOO bad to be back with you for sooo long... i know it will never happen... but im okay with that now... things will get better trust me... you just have to hang in there for a while and know that there are people that love you
02:37Anna
the only people who love me are people who don't know who or what I am...they don't know what i'm capable of.
02:38Me
No one ever really know what any one is capable of love is giving someone the chance to destroy you and trusting them not to.
02:39Anna
well, i'm done trusting anyone to not destroy me...everyone already has...
02:40Me
Like I said I am sorry Anna... but I am also here... And i believe that one day you will be okay again and learn to love agian... it happens... I still miss Katie like non other!! But im okay now...
02:41Anna
I'm glad you're ok now. I hope to be ok someday
02:41Me
and trusting may always be hard... its still really hard for me... i think it always will be... monika fucked that up... but trust is weird... love comes easier... I know you will be okay someday I have faith in you... hugz
02:42Anna
im glad you do, I've lost faith in just about everything...
02:44Me
shit happens... i guess thats all I can say... i know your strong you have always been hard headed lol... and hey everytime i watch finding nemo btw i laugh and think of you!
02:45Anna
lol. you would.
that's a great movie. i think of you everytime i watch it too
02:45Me
lol just keep swimming just keep swimming... is coming to mind as of now
02:45Anna
lmao
02:45Me
lol laying upstairs on your couch lol!!!!
good times :)
02:45Anna
lol...that really was good times
i wanna go back to then...
i don't wanna be a grown up anymore
02:46Me
No kidding or like changing in your truck while driving down barry road to go to the cast party!!
02:46Anna
hahahahahah
that was awesome
02:46Me
lol!!!
I know right!!!
02:46Anna
why didn't we fuck?
we had so many opportunities
02:46Me
I dont know I still wish we did... Im still dying to lol
SOO many!!! lol
02:46Anna
we totally should
wanna fuck?
02:46Me
Im so game lol
02:47Anna
lol
i'd rock your world
you wouldn't ever wanna fuck anyone else
02:47Me
You are still by far the hottest chick ever lol!!! in my mind haha
Im sure you would
02:47Anna
of course i am lol
am pretty fucking hot
02:47Me
lol of course you are
I so miss you!!
remember making out by the stairs pissing people off in school lol... i wanted you so damn bad
02:48Anna
lol....i wanted you too
02:48Me
We need to hang out bad! lol
02:48Anna
agreed
02:49Me
:)
02:51Anna
lol. i'm pretty sure a lot would happen...not while watching finding nemo though cuz i can't do anything to disney...it's awkward lol
02:51Me
LOL me too!!! im excited!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
lost
but anyways I know my true friends, and the fake ones are showing their asses... matt showed his... he can kiss mine...
... my confession
because i'm diluted
&
perfectly flawed
i shall
live by passion
&
not by law
and i'm
insecure ...
i need aggression
to
feed the spiders
of perception
and i'm
supposed to be strong
& have
all the answers
a
cannibal
in the
new church of cancer
but i'm
nothing special
i'm not unique
i have
many secrets
& i
eat the weak
and i'm
at an end
i'm at an end .....
and there's ...
NO WAY OUT!!
i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape
and i
think about it
all the time
i'm
volatile
&
afraid to cry
but i'm
still not comfortable
in my skin
and the
anesthetics slowly
wearing thin
& i
need to talk to
someone new
i need a different
latitude
& i'm
in this void
all alone!
feeling needy
... hungry to grow
but i'm
suffocating
-- can't come down
and .... no ....
THERE'S NO WAY OUT!!!
i need to find my sanctuary
.... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me!
.... THIS IS MY ESCAPE!!!
--- all i see is sadness
all i see is sadness ....
what's left?
-- this will teach them.
this will teach them,
......you've got to......
push.
Push.
PUSH....
YOUR WAY OUT!!!
FOLLOW ME!
FOLLOW ME!
THIS IS YOUR WAY OUT!!
........you are not alone
- this is where i hide my power
- this is where i become free
- this is where i take control
- and slowly choke your fantasies
- i want to know my day is coming
- see my enemies be punished
- shed my skin again
- this will be my best revenge!!
SHED MY SKIN AGAIN
THIS WILL BE MY BEST REVENGE!
Monday, May 10, 2010
FB status' great convo starter haha
Kerr: heck yes!
Riv: kerrie, you dont even live in new york my darling
Kerr: :( ahhh boo hoo
Riv: but when you come.....omg we will be night time munchy buddies :)
Kerr: YAY!! night time munchy buddy!
Riv: oh kerrie im gonna pee myself from excitement if you do this.....
Kerr: I know right!! OMG it would be so cool!!! I want to so bad...
Jake: wow LMFAO munch buddies
Riv: jakey, you can come too if you want.....kerrie and i will touch each others boobs in your back seat :p
Ker: haha oh yeah
Ker: WOAH I commented before seeing that... but sure im game in that situation as well lol... as long as we can get some butter pecan ice cream too... its my fav! lol
Riv: mmmm butter pecan is a fabulous PMS flavor
Ker: OMG yes!! agreed!! Its also amazing when your trying to diet and then someone puts it in front of your face... oh wait no never mind that's bad lol
Riv: LOL im dyingggg
Ker: Well don't die yet I haven't even made it out there yet lol... I have a feeling we may have plenty of those moments :P
BFF
That's what I thought... Trevor has been my best friend for like ever... I can't even remember a moment from before he was in my life!! EVER!! And yes we messed up and dated in high school but that was 2 years ago the way I saw it we were still best friends... I mean ask anyone who knows me and I guarantee they would tell you Trevor is who I consider and always will consider my BEST friend FOREVER!!
Well he hasn't been answering the phone lately or texting back or even been on facebook so i was getting worried! So I sent him a text message that said "Are you even alive lol" and I got one back from him that said "I started talking to someone... I didn't want to lead you on..." WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Dude if we are "BFF" then why the hell does that matter. And I straight up told him a while back look I would like to be with you again but at the same time I would rather have you in my life as a friend more than anything!! Not a big deal right... I thought he understood... WHAT EVER!
So I'm so hurt... he is the only person I have out here. Everyone else is gone... he is the only one who has known me the longest, and known me the best. He knows all my secrets, my fears, my hurts... everything...
Trevor if you read this... I know this sounds creepy but you are my best friend! And I would do anything not to loose you! You know all the stupid forward you get like real friends don't bail you out of jail there sitting next to you! YEAH remember that!! Who was there for you and with you through it all!! I need you. You saved my life numerous times, you helped me when I was down, you got me to stop doing the stuff that was hurting me. In a non sexual way Trevor I love you as my friend!
On another note... I may be moving to New York eventually!! YAY! But until then... Olathe is good for me.
Oh and I don't know how much longer im going to be with B... things arn't going well I don't think... whatever.... Me and Thomas will never work out either... But who knows I guess im going out with Jay this weekend.... sigh... craziness.... OH and Matt really peeved me today and if you look at my facebook you will understand why!!!
Can't wait till I can start counting down the day's till surgery!!! SO CLOSE!
all of this time the girl was mine.
I am alone like a rusted dog
all of the time my head in the fog.
Cats in the corner dogs on the floor
phone keeps ringing shes asking for more.
The spaces between places
im not worthy... leave me alone.
You should of never left me alive.
You should have sat and watched me die.
Isn't it hard living on reservation blvd
Brick by boring brick...
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Guys x2:
ba da ba ba da ba ba da......
Hayley x2:
ba da ba ba da ba ba da.....
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Last night @ Stanford and Sons
Jake was really funny!! Well I thought so lol... so of course as many of you may know I may be somewhat of a pot head... so of course pot head jokes ARE AMAZING!! PLUS it was so crazy he looks exactly like my X-BF/Best friend Peter!!! It was freaky but way cool! Actually funny story I was in the lobby having a cig and Jake came in the door behind me and I just about said OMG Peter when did you get here... thank god I caught myself that would have been bad!
Skip was also hilarious! He is this huge black guy talking about his white wife and role playing and how he gets in trouble with it, and all sorts of funny shit!! And talking about how he can't have good sex since he has asthma making all these funny sounds... funny!
Karith was funny for the little bit I got to see.. I kept getting calls. So that's why I want to go back up there tonight!
But wow they were all great so even if I saw it all I would still want to go back up there lol.
ANYways lol... so other than that not much has been going on... just trying to find a better job I hate this being broke thing! Plus I really wanted to travel around this summer and I don't think I am going to get to now :( I NEED money! I at least wanted to go home for a bit... now I don't even know if I can do that.
Oh and last night I got WAY tooooo drunk! I didn't even get home until 9am!!! Yeah so why I am awake now is beyond me but my whole body hurts I will say that... me and stripper poles dont get a long as well anymore... I have bruises from dancing last night and everything is sore!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy!
VSG generates weight loss by restricting the amount of food (and therefore calories) that can be eaten by removing 80% of the stomach without bypassing the intestines or causing any gastrointestinal malabsorption. It is a purely restrictive operation. It is currently indicated as an alternative to the Lap-Band® procedure for low weight individuals and as a safe option for higher weight individuals.
This will actually work! I will actually look good! I will actually be happy!! BEST DAY EVER!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
Okay so I have been
But anyways this weekend was good, I had fun! Friday I went to the movies with Matt to see Alice in Wonderland 3D. After that I went out with a bunch of friends which was a lot of fun! I got to hang out with people I have really missed and I realized that those people are my real friends along with a few that are too far to hang out lol. But I’m truly happy. I got to see Megan, Bam, Peter, Kool Aid, Lance, and Matt. I would say that’s a great night!
Saturday was also very fun!! I hung out with my lil sister who I love so much! Then I went to a party at a friends house. So it was Jen, Charles, Josh, and I. And might I add it ended AMAZINGLY!!
Sunday well today was not amazing… I woke up in a lot of pain. But… Okay so it was actually pretty okay I went shopping for some organic stuff and then hung out around the house, got on the
:)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Best movie ever... hands down!
Sean: you're him?
Bob: ...yeah... I'm him
Sean: [claps hands together] JESUS! Have i sinned or am i goin' to heaven?
Bob: [laughing] you're fryin' man, how much acid did you take?
Sean: you're not Jesus... you're Bob
Bob: I'm Bob!... how goes it?
Sean: how are you doin' that?
Bob: doin' what?
Sean: walkin' on water? if i get off this chair I'll drown, you wanna know what Bob? 'Cause i cant swim!
Bob: oh, i get it! so Sean, d'you see land anywhere?
Sean: [looking around] no... just water... say Bob, You ARE Jesus.
Bob: Thats Right, I am, why do you ask?
Sean: ...Satan, is in the house, he killed my Mom and turned her into a bull!
Cops: [after flashback to a scene with Sean threatening his mother with a knife but being scared by Satan and a bull, his mother]
[bob waves to Seans mum at the window who reluctantly waves back]
Cops: [the Cops pull in] Put your hands in the air and slowly turn around!
Sean: [happy as happy can be] I'M SAVED
Bob: yeah... sure Sean... you're saved...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sigh!
So I promised I would give a boy update and here it is as confusing as it might be. I potentially like 3 new boys not to mention I still like my X Peter. So we will call these new boys "Prospects" lol. Okay and the boys are (with description and scale 1-10) -
1. Thomas - Really nice, I have known him for 9 years and dated him 7 years ago. So this is nothing new for us. We found each other like a couple weeks ago out of the blue (which you will see shortly is a pattern) And things just seemed to take off... but I also know in the past he wasn't good with relationships... but I also know that he has grown up a lot since then. So I don't know. Niceness 7, Looks 9, overall boyfriend material 6
2. Bam - Also really nice, actually prob the nicest of all. He really likes me, and I have really liked him for a while but it's a secret that only one person knows (who knows him that is) so your prob thinking well why not go for it. Well because I found out he is still married now before you start jumping to I'm a bad person, nothing has happened with me and him and him and her have split up. But that's still pretty big for me and I feel strange. Niceness 10, Looks 8, overall bf 9 but married.
3. Matt - Old best friend from 9 years ago (go figure and they don't know each other) and he just popped up 3 days ago. Strange right. And he is perfect but there are just some things I can't get past... we were best friends and were back to being best friends which is amazing. Do I want to mess that up? And he isn't the typical guy I go for not necessarily looks but a couple things. So do I break away from the norm and give it a chance, or do I stick with my norm and keep a best friend. The only issue is we have admit we like each other, and talked about the what ifs and the In's and outs of everything. So would friends be awkward at this point... Niceness 10, Looks 6, overall bf 9
Now what the point of all that was I will never know. I just had to get it out I guess... blah.
ON ANOTHER NOTE lol
I am going through with lap band as of now. I have my first appointment Saturday at 10am and the next one is Wednesday don't remember what time lol. I have researched everything looked up all the risks and ups and downs and I think it's the best choice for me. I'm tired of being a fat ass! And I'm not going to be one of those lazy Americana's that complains and does nothing about it. I have a problem, I am admitting it, and now I'm fixing it! YAY me!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
To be fat or not to be fat..... what kind of question is that?
Well I came home last night and literally passed the hell out... didn't get home till 5am but you know. When I woke up Kirstie Alley Big Life was on. Well she was weighing her self in her office or whatever and I realized OMG I weigh more the Kirstie Alley. Not that she isn't pretty or that she is huge or anything I think she is pretty and I actually really like her... the shocking part is I never saw myself as well BIG I mean I knew I was Chubby but I didn't know I was morbidly obese. Kirstie weighed in at 240 which is what I weighed last time I checked.
So I started researching, I got on to NewHope Bariatrics of Kansas City and looked up LAP BAND. Well they have you put in your sex (female) age (20) height (5'8") weight (240) then the calculator tells you what your body mass index or BMI is mine is 36.5!!! Which makes me Severely Obese and my level of health risk is very high! That hurt! Well I kept reading and it told me because I had such a high BMI I qualify for a free seminar to get LAP BAND.
I have wanted LAP BAND for a long time, I have wanted to be skinny again for 3 or 4 years. I know I can do it and I know I can stick to it because LAP BAND would be the perfect tool for me... but I am scared. I am going to this meeting though on Saturday to find more out and I think it would be good for me. Just think wow I could be so pretty!! lol But I guess we will see what happens... and thats all I have been thinking about all day... but I do have boy stuff to post later so I shall be back tonight :)
Your BMI is: 36.5
| BMI | CLASSIFICATION | LEVEL OF HEALTH RISK |
| Under 18.5 | Underweight | Minimal |
| 18.5 - 24.9 | Normal Weight | Minimal |
| 25 - 29.9 | Overweight | Increased |
| 30 - 34.9 | Obese | High |
| 35 - 39.9 | Severely Obese | Very High |
| 40 and over | Morbidly Obese | Extremely High |
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
You know how when your like 14 and your with your mom shopping and she is busy trying to get the grocery's in the basket or handle your siblings or whatever so she lets you slide her card and sign her name. Well one of my old friends, who is mad at me for the worst reasons, is trying to get back at me. So she decides to go to the cops and tell them I forged her name, WHICH I did NOT do! Come to learn that's a felony. But anyways I talked to the detective and told him everything and now it's looking like I will be okay. Were taking polygraphs and all that and I know I will be alright so I'm not worried. In the event that I do get charged or convicted or whatever I will be a felon, I will be on probation, and I will have a fine, but he doesn't think I will get any jail time.
On a good note though! In high school about 4 years ago actually I dated this guy Thomas, well I moved and he moved on with his life. Like a week ago I happened to find his myspace so I added him, I figured he wouldn't remember me. The next day I got a message... Hello beautiful. :) I was so excited so I gave him my number and told him to text me 5 min later I got a text. Well he came over yesterday and I had the best time!!!
I think I have a tendency to fall to fast and fall hard. I am working on fixing it but I guess we shall see how that goes.
Anyways other than all of that, I'm still trying to figure out where I'm moving, Where I'm going to school, What I'm going to school for, and who to remove from my life, and who to keep. So many decisions and things. It gets overwhelming.....
